Emotions

 

*Skims last post*

Jeez, you know it's a rough post when there's no gifs breaking it up. 

Hellowwwww. 

I find it amazing how much a month alone changes things. I'm in a better place... For the most part. I got a text that He was having a parole hearing next month in September. I've gotten a text like that and it didn't really bug me before. This time, ooooh I was triggered. It was bad dreams and high anxiety all the past 4 days. I seem to be doing better. I seem to keep rolling around the same ideas and the same opinions. A part of me wants to go to the hearing, but the rational side knows that will do more harm then good. I was more spooked that I was even effected. I don't care that He could get out. He'll just go back in. But I was genuinely messed up for a couple days over it. Even therapy didn't help long lasting. I don't know what I'm afraid of. What is scaring me? Nothing in my life ever goes well when He's in it. So I don't think I'm afraid of seeing Him. He doesn't scare me. But something does. Not knowing where He'll be? Not knowing if He'll try and text me? I've seen Him almost every year since He get's out of jail, and this is the longest I've not seen Him. The prospect of Him being out, scares me. Is it that He could be over me, and I'm still hung up? Hollywood Undead and Twenty One Pilots and My Darkest Days still triggers me. It just brings me back to Him. 

I was looking through my therapy binder last night. I found so much old stuff I had forgotten about. I don't remember the last time I read stuff. It had to be recently, I've only been with this therapist for 2 years. But anyway, I found a journal I had written about August 2011 and it.... It was alarming. I was so angry, I hated myself. I hated my Dad, and Him. I was so angry in almost all the posts. I just wanted to like hug myself and be like, it's gonna be okay. I had recorded so much and so many different things but it always had a theme. I hated my Dad and I hated Him controlling me and I spoke alot about my "eating disorder" which to be honest, I didn't even remember getting diagnosed with way back then, but I guess I did. It was like, heart breaking, because I couldn't get out of that relationship with Him, but also like, it got worse with Him too, and I didn't even know it. That was just the begining. 8 months in, I still had like 6 physical years-ish and another 3 to now of just emotional trauma with Him and He's not even around. He's been in a cage literally since 2012 on and off. There was a timeline I wrote, I had him in 5x since 2012 that's insane. And I just kept thinking things would get better when he was out, and we could fix things. But they never were good, there were car accidents, I could've been arrested, everyone hated him, I was so.... self loathing with Him. I would cut, smoke, drink, anything to numb out. I was miserable, I didn't care if I lived or died. But I loved Him at some level that kept me around Him. The abuse He did to me, and then we had our good times, which I treasured. There were two vissions I had with Him regarding out future. One was us getting married in a feild, a very country wedding, Him wearing jeans and it being so simple but magical. Then I saw us with kids and being happy.... But there was this other one. Us in a dark living room run down apartment both addicts of God knows what, neglected kids, miserable. And I hung onto the second for my reality on the matter. I also wasn't playing His games anymore, and He hated it. He hated I was catching on to His bullshit. 

But, I haven't seen Him in like 3 years almost 4. He texted me a couple years ago. That was it. A part of me wants it to be finally over, but another part of me doesn't. I think that I'll always have that side of me with Him. I think that I hate myself for having that side. Even though it textbook normal because of the abuse. I think I need to make peace with that side. But it makes me so emotional, that fact I've still held onto Him and the idea that we'll finally be okay one day down the line. I feel like I never got closure. Maybe that's what I'm scared of. The fact it doesn't feel over because I never got closure. I don't even know what closure would help. Someone said, I don't remember who, that sometimes you just don't get closure. And I wish that it didn't mess you up. I would love to feel free. But somehow I still feel trapped by Him. He's the only person who I wouldn't think 2x about hurting myself if He came back. Anything to not feel. Maybe that's something I'm scared of. That He'll get out, and I find out, and I spiral because of my paranoia. I mean for real, we've always had some weird orbit. Somehow we always ended up back together for one reason or another. Something in the universe when I would feel like I was being watched or see Him or be constantly triggered and anxious, and I would find out that He was out. Now it feels more like a warning from my soul to stay the fuck away from those vibes. But back then? I thought He was my soulmate. Isn't abuse something? 

Anyway I don't wanna talk about Him endlessly. It doesn't even really help. Mostly the feeling is guilt with Him and I don't know how to free myself of that. I have nothing to be guilty of. I refused to be with Him because I knew everyone hated Him (For good reason) I knew my life would be over with my Dad if He came back in my life and my Dad found out. Like litterally NOTHING good came out of being with Him, and yet I still found ways to romanticize us. The hope with Him and of Him was so strong and blinding. And I have to remember that was the abuse. Things were awful and He made it up somehow, and then that hope would be there until the next fuck up that would rip it away from me. I know I don't even trust Him so what's the point? I have no trust in Him. If He came back, and asked me if I trusted Him, I would laugh in His face, like.... you serious right now? 

Ugh I gotta talk about something else. If it helped, I feel like I would be done talking about it, but I still always have something to say, like it's never going to be really over.

Look at the cute hippo babyyyyyy. 

So this month was August. And that's Mom's month, and I have some feel good news. So at my new job (Yes I have a new job, no more CS!!!!) I was working alone for longer then I had before, and we have a radio that plays not really obscure music, but like some hits some music that you're like ? Basically radio music, whatever. WELL a song came on that is not well known unless you know the artist, or have seen a movie it's in. It was Here I Am - Bryan Adams I'm like 90 % sure it was that song in particular from the movie, and it didn't register at first, and when it did I cried a little, it was just what I needed. That was the last movie I vaugley remember seeing with my Mom. Listening to the album makes me emotional, like this song now is bringing me tears. Like "Here I Am" what a Godincidence as E puts it. There's no way it was a coincidence. I really wanna watch the movie again, but I have a feeling I will just cry the whole time. They say that crying is healthy release, I still hate it. But anyway it was in between her birthday and anniversary dates. It just made me feel like I wasn't alone, and things were gonna be ok. I need to remember that. It's overwhelming. I'm crying now. XD I made a couple dedicated posts to her this month. I wanna watch the movie. I think I need too. I don't think I've seen it in YEARS. 

My face is really wet. Anyho.

 

Blackbear has new music and it's kinda my anthem XD So good. I'm so congested omg I can't breathe. I do feel a little better.... Weird, expressing my emotions. What a concept. 

So anyway. There's a potential love interest right now. He's like... really good for me. When/do I talk about the Him stuff? Like I feel like I'm keeping a secret, but I don't want there to be drama either. He's starting to know different things about me, but I don't believe I've said anything to him about the Him situation, especially this week. I know my therapist would be against it, she thinks it's too soon and that there shouldn't be personal stuff going on, but it's like, that's how you connect, by sharing stuff, personal and not. And I just wanna hang out with him all the time, but he was like I know you like your space, and I'm respecting that, so we'll hang whenever. And I was like next week? And he was like is that too soon? And I was like nooo. He's so kind, I don't deserve him. And that's that crazy bad self esteem thoughts. Of course I deserve him, I deserve happiness. But it's like the anxiety with Him, I just have that subconscious feeling that things are going to fall apart. I mean I let R back into my life a couple years ago, knowing he was going to tear me apart again, but I would've done it over and over again. I don't know.

Anyway, it's late now. Well it's not even 3am. But I'm kinda over writing. I really want chocolate. :D

Goodnight