Why Bother

Seriously

Why 

Bother

This should just go into the chest of the many things I give up on. I don't try too, but I end up doing it anyway, or not doing it. And then it all becomes updates. Which I guess is the point in  a way. But I don't want it to just be updates. I used to have weekly posts planned out. Maybe I'll do that again. I also want to deep clean, do art, wash everything (I think I have bed bugs >.< got chewed up this week.) I also want to play video games. I swear I wrote out a schedule that would be perfect, but I'm not using it, just like my meds I'm not taking. I hate them but I hate not having structure either. I gotta get my shit together. I start school in less then a week, and I am totally not ready. But here we are anyway. 

So I guess I should give a quick update, it's been a couple months. We're all in "quarantine" I quote it because no ones abiding by it. Covid-19. It's kinda scary. I'm trying to stay in the middle of everything's fine, but like wash your hands and don't touch anything. I think the masks are the worst part of it. It's hard to breathe, and the first time I wore one, I had UBER bad anxiety. Wanted to cry, couldn't focus or breathe, ect. I'm getting a little more used to them. I have to remember to chew gum helps, but not to breathe, maybe a breath mint? That way re-breathing in your own breathe won't freak you out cus eventually you have bad breath. It's expected with no fresh air circulation. People seem to think this will end soon, in the fall, or in the next year. I'm going towards the next year since they'res no vaccine. People speculate that because summers coming, it will slow down, and ramp back up with the winter flus. It's expected, but it's going to get bad again because everyone will be out all summer and then schools start up again, it's going to be a never ending nightmare it feels like. There's no end date in site, and that's the reality. This whole "one more month" is a joke, but whatever gives someone hope I guess

In other news, Mocha (my hamster) passed away this past weekend, and I ended up getting a new one. I wasn't originally, and then I started making a duplex because I wanted my next furbaby to have the world. But, that didn't end corrected. Though I weighed the lid down because it didn't fit all the way, my new hamster Pancake, got out for a day or so. I believe it was the water bottle he had been climbing on, I got a guard for it so I wouldn't have to keep taping it. But alas, not my best plan with the gap between, thought there was enough weight that he couldn't get through. But he could clearly, I also had found another slit that was open, but truthfully I can't remember if that was because of Pancake, or me rustling around with the duplex and moving it around. Either way, no duplex until I know I can secure it better. Which is fine I guess. I just want to be better. But now Pancake hates me, and it's going to take much longer to bond with him. Tuesday when I got him, he was already sniffing my hand. Thursday when I found him, he runs away scared as ever. I didn't even grab him tight. But I have to gain his trust back. I was looking at Google last night, and I found out I can train him. Which once he gets comfortable with me again I'm gonna do. I could teach him to come to his name being called, not sure how, but I'm here for that. I also can teach him to roll over, stand up, jump, and go through a hoop. As well as potty train, but that ones's a little more difficult, I have a lot of bedding, and he burrows, idk where he chooses to do his business. He's definitely different from Mocha. Much more active I'm going to have to get him some toys not just chew sticks. I really hope I can get him trained and bonded with me. I think with patience and persistence I can. 

That's really it, works still work, no more "co-manager" wish I could've fired him months ago but whatever. Don't know if we'll stay open. I'm endlessly applying places weekly. It's not enjoyable. But whatever. Hopefully I don't have to stay there forever. 

The end of Aprils always a hard time. Brandon's anniversary is 9 years and 2 for Debbie. I went to a Zoom meeting today in Debbie's honor, I know that's what she would want me to do. But I had such a hard time focusing. it was just one of those meetings, and I left as soon as I could after we ended. 

I want to be productive today. I got school figured out, taking Deviant Activity via sociology and Benefits and Compensation via HRM. So that should keep me plenty busy. I should do some laundry today as well. I have to wash my bedding but I don't want to pop the belt off the washing machine. I have some other bedding I can switch on it and wait til maybe I go over to E's and do it there. But if I have bed bugs I don't want her getting them. I don't think that's how it works but you never know. I could probably just wash the bedding by hand.... I'm not worried about my dryer.  Could be an idea. And I gotta stop scratching. I'm using this benadryl anti-itch cooling spray. I just opened it though its from 2015, I'm going to have to pick something up from the store. I think I have some money I can spare to get stuff. Trying to get your shit together can be really overwhelming. 

But it's just one thing at a time, and everyone says to journal, so once again here I am doing the things. Maybe I'll be more consistent. It deff feels better then laying in bed with tv on in the background wasting away. 

Until next time, hopefully not in a couple months. XD