My Brain Is Broken

Hello.

 I don't know why I have so much in my brain, and then it's not coming out. Like PLEASE GET OUT I would like to have some peace. But that will never happen, cus my brain is broken. That's all I seem to say lately. I don't know, I think I'm in a mixed mood. I like wanna die, but like I also wanna do xyz all at once. My body isn't vibrating like it does when I get manicy, but like mentally I'm wired, but physically I can't express it. Physically it's like I'm in mud that takes your shoe away, and you're panicing to get your shoe back, but you keep getting stuck.

 I've been feeling like this for weeks if I'm being honest. I keep doubting the mania, because it's not.. there? But it is, the depression is just covering it. Suffocating it. I also think that's why I was all, I don't have bipolar, I'm normal because having both highs and lows are normal. But this is always x10 with me. It's not just like I'm having a good day or a bad day, it's a roller coaster and I can't trust what feelings going to stay and go. And I made the decision to go off my meds. 

I don't want them. They're poison. I got some CBD oil. I should take some. See if it helps. I tried some earlier, I think it started to work. But a part of me doesn't want to because I'm expressing myself. But I'm also miserable. But I also am self torturing myself with it. I've been wallowing a bit I know. But once I get into something, I'm there doing it nonstop. The constant irritability and crying and good light times, but also I haven't shut up. But I also haven't really opened up. 

It's very confusing. Am I sad? Happy? Both. Apparently.  Like I'm listening to music and I wanna rock out in my room at 3:45 am but also I could sit here and stare at the wall spaced out. Each is exhausting. And each give me anxiety. Like for real, I'm so anxious I'm not getting anything done bc I wanna slit my body up and die. But I'm anxious I'm not getting anything done cus there's so much I want to do. I keep going back and forth from I don't have bipolar, I'm fine, I was misdiagnosed cus I NEEDED an answer to why I felt like this. Meds aren't for me. And now I'm like I'm a hypocrite. I need meds to level me out, bc I don't want to feel like this anymore. But once I go on meds and feel better I don't take them anymore. 

Wtf is that brain? And I know it's typical. It's literally textbook. I keep thinking oh I'll just loose weight, I'll get a new job, I'll eat better, I'll work out, I'll do all the things, and it will be fine, I'll be back to normal. But I'm not and I haven't. And I can't tell my therapist and especially psychiatrist this because they'll bring up meds. My psych more. I feel like I can't breathe, and now that saying will always remind me of George Floyd, and I feel awful saying it, but how else am I gonna say it. I've associated that phrase with him and it doesn't belong to him. He said it. It was major. But he doesn't own the phrase, that ludicrous. 

This shit makes me wonder if I will go bat shit one day. My psych kept being all do you want to go the hospital and be put on anti-psychotics? And it's like it's never been that bad, I've always been high functioning. And that's when I'm all I don't have bipolar. I have a mood disorder. But not bipolar because so many are worse off with it then I am.

Mood disorders make you doubt yourself. Who are you going to trust if you can't even trust yourself. It makes you think about your past and go did that really happen? What really happened? Cus you can't remember it all that well cus it was far away in your mind. I also have a shit memory, I thought that was because school anxiety. But I forgot my best friends address. I couldn't for the life of me remember it. I was starting to freak out that I couldn't remember. They say that mental illness messes with your memory, and I never really believed it until now.

I was looking at my FB memories and I saw some post about something or other. I saw someone commented on it, and at first I was like ? who's that. And then it all came flooding back. It was my Ex's alias fb. Why he had one, I just brushed off like nothing back in the day. It's not okay. It was fucked up, bc he wasn't supposed to have social media, hense the alias. And we were "engaged" and he wanted to spend $4k on a ring, and I was all nothing more than $1.5k like what?! Who was I back then? Anyway I looked at his page and it was like so unfamiliar, but also so familiar. Like fuck man. He has demons. He also chooses to wallow. He could've been something, but he couldn't get over himself. He hate authority and so he's a nobody just in and out of a cage every few years. 

It made me have all those mixed emotions that I think I need to accept I will always have. I will always be angry at what he did. All the shit he did. But also I'll love him because I did, I truly did. But I was so blinded by his crap, which makes me so angry. And it's just back and forth. And It's so sad that I wasn't playing his game anymore, and getting more and more fed up with it all and he wasn't happy that his game wasn't working. I mean I think it's sad I can still remember him paying for lunch, not eating much, I think I had a grilled cheese. And he said something like "don't be surprised when I disappear again, I'm going back to jail." Like wow. Thanks for ruining my appetite. But at least he paid for once in his life. 

It's brought up me looking him up, making sure he's still locked up. It makes me sad but relieved. It makes me consider calling the corrections office, or driving down. It makes me think wow don't be pathetic. It makes me hate who I was. I hate the selfies and the pictures and the status's. I hate it all I don't ever want to be that girl again. And I won't be because I learned but did I have to learn that way? And why did it take me so fucking long to get it. 2 fucking car accidents for fucks sake and I still went back. Time and time again.

I haven't seen him since 2016 I think. The first time I dated Him, and I was fucking around with him back in my life, which was one of the stupid reasons He and I broke up then. Like so stupid. Jailboy messaged me on Thanksgiving 2018 in a sincere text but was it ? Or was it just manipulation. I don't know. I like to think he meant what he said, but, he didn't. He's getting out within a couple years. And I- A part of me wants him back again, and all the good stuff. But he's fucked up so much. I would rather never see him again. If I want to fuck it all up, I know who to go to. Let's conclude it there. 

  

Is this ever going to end? It's going on 10 years. 10 years I let his ruin me. I think I'm allowed to miss him. But I think about it and I remember how much I want nothing to do with him and for him to just stop. Things have never been 1 or the other. It's always been both. He's a confusing person. But I guess that's what abusive people do. Confuse people, that's what keeps them having a hold on us. Should do some writing verses again. 

Also my dad's like come to terms with if he dies or gets sick again. Like wtf. That's a whole other thing. I keep thinking I have time with him, but at the same time, what to do when he dies. Which he seems to have the same view, enjoy the time, but like if it's time it's time. I don't know. It's like my view on kids, I don't want them and that hasn't changed. I know I'll isolate and push everyone away when he dies. I was planning that last year when we got the news, it hasn't changed.

 I got alot to talk to my therapist about, which we're doing phone sessions bc the world is ending and I hate them. I like I don't really have to go anywhere, but I miss seeing her and being in an office. I see my psychiatrist which is nice, though I'm the opposite, I prefer phone sessions. 

I need sleep. I can't sleep. I don't want too, but I'm so tired. I think I'm gonna try more of that CBD and see if it quiets things down to sleep. Thanks for coming to my talk. XD 

Goodnight.