It's a month later. That's progress. :) Progress not perfection. Anyway, I seem to get into these phases where I'm like obsessed? with my past. I haven't been for a while, been nice. But lately it's been creeping in my head again. I'll explain. So I took out my old Macbook Pro to see if it worked still and if I could get some old videos I've made in the last 10 years. And somehow it turned on!!!!!!! I had spilled beer all over it and was pretty sure it was a gonner, even though I had just fixed it. Anyway after a long couple days of transfering videos to a USB to my Acer it crapped out again, it would turn off but I was able to get it back, I couldn't this last time. I had been debating weither or not to fix it or not just to get 2 more videos. I might still and and pictures just so I have them, you know? But if it's going to be a crazy amount of money then no, because I wouldn't really ever use the laptop again. I rarely use my Dell.
So anyway, alot of these vids I did when I was in my teens. And I have always associated music, huge with music. And hearing these old songs just brought me back you know? On top of that, it just felt weird looking at these vids, like I was right back there again. Most of them I added a intro clip and put them on my youtube, and I even made thumbnails. That was fun. So anyway, again I looked into one of my first youtube accounts. And I found some music I haven't listend too since then XD And a lot of Sasu-Saku fan chats................ yeah. Anyway, wow I really need a new word. MOVING ON one of the songs was Crash World - Hilary Duff I can't stop listening to it. One of those songs that you're like "why?" With the lyrics, but also like "yesssss"
OMG So this should really be in my s h u f f l e page where I talk about music and it's meanings for me, but it started playing and it goes along with what I'm talking about so I digress. This was my anthem!!!!! I was so and still am obsessed with this song.!! The Getaway - Hilary Duff I thought I would sing this song in American Idol or something OBSESSED!!!!!!!! This whole album. I remember that I would be playing the CD on my boombox playing with my horses or Bratz. Or I would pretend I was in some music video with this song. Because my preeteen ass really was going through a relationship XDDDDDDDD I can't!!
There are just some songs that just hit you and you're like fuck man. I wonder what the conection with music and memories is. I should research it. I think I will put on Spotify and research it quick.
So basically I skimmed an article by Culture. It went over how rhythm helps with memorization, extrinsic and intrinsic thoughts, and how music is healing. So nothing really new to me personally, but it was still a nice quickie.
It wasn't all that bad
That is STILL plaguing my subconscious. I was talking to this dude J since December and like I genuinely wanted to meet him and be with him maybe. But there were just little warning signs from the beginning. Then the pandemic happened, and I put dating on a big stop. He kept bringing it up and I kept saying there's a bit of a pandemic that we're dealing with ect. And he would pull the I misunderstood you card. Like please. I realized that we would clash, he's clingy and much more extroverted then I am. I am an independent don't touch me persona. I don't know if I have residual bad R energy still but dating just doesn't sound fun. It sounds like a chore and a job and soul sucking. I have school and work and home already thanks. So I told J that I wanted to just be friends, and he was cool with it. No fights. That was such a wake up call. That I was anticipating a fight over that, and that I was going to put my guard all up and act heartless just so I wouldn't have to deal with an argument. What a wake up call that I was recognizing when it didn't happen. Like fuck. I do think I was self sabotaging a little. But a part of me was really concerned about the pandemic. We both have sick dads, and we work with the public. I just don't trust the situation. Which I did take as an excuse as a way out. Trust me, I feel guilty. But I have to let it go too, cus we wouldn't have worked out and I was feeling suffocated and we weren't even together. It's like I want the attention but not the label or the pressure or expectations. I guess that's why somehow C and I work. I don't worry about what others think of us, and I don't expect more from him vise versa. I used too. But I have also grown ok with being alone since R. That's why it was so annoying when people would complain about not having someone, cus I truly couldn't relate. I didn't want to spend 100% of my time with said person. I needed my own space, that was something that R and I figured out worked for us. We wanted to spend time together, but we knew for our own sanity, we needed out own space and breaks.
That was a lot, sorry. xD
In other news I have this playlist on Spotify that was like "most songs played in 2016" My dudes, I have no idea what MORE THAN half these are..... ? Sure someone didn't take my spotify? XD My only guess were some workout playlists?
Mother's Day was this month. I was more sad this year than angry. Someone from work was having an angry Mother's Day, I was sad for her, but I understood. I wanted to go to the grave, decided last min and told my Dad, and he wanted to go and then obv I didn't want to go anymore. I struggled alot with "it's just a box in the ground" thoughts because the drive is over an hour. And then Dad was like I don't feel inclined to go, only if you needed too. In which I didn't but like I also felt kinda guilty to not go. It was alot of feelings and I know I should write to her. I feel like this is in a way writing to her, even if it's not directly to her. I know I should write because I want to cry and I don't want to do that. So here's a pic of her. One of my favs.
Anyway I'm listing to Halsey now, which is always a memory trip XD I don't know what else to put so I guess that's it for now. Just the same stuff. Memories as of late. OMG WAIT. ok so I forget why, but I was looking up reasons for my dreams and basically all I got was it's from stress, trauma, and shit I'm scared of missing out on or loosing control, ect. Not positive. Which... makes sense, I'm not a good dreamer. Like fuck I dreamt of T the other night, wasn't a bad dream really, he was just hanging off me like a jacket, it was more annoying then anything. - Which then gives this repetitive thought that I haven't heard from him as of late because He's over me, He's found someone else to torture, I'm too old for him now Eye. Opening. And feelings of shame. Like I did feel special he still chose to talk to me even though 90% of what he did hurt me. Like ok fine, I got some shit to work on clearly. CLEARLY. I mean it's textbook abuse signs. Fucking textbook. I've never dealt with anything, I've literally just stopped having daily thoughts and like that's gonna make it go away. I know that the pain is something that I don't want to endure again by remembering things. His last message to me I had so many mixed feelings. More anger and spite that he was still "Hey it's me, I'm still alive-don't respond to this message-I'm sorry for everything I've done." That manipulation. But also what if he means it? But also he isn't capable of being sorry. But also don't tell me what to do. A part of me wishes I responded. But that's how it happens. that's how we end up back together. We take the bait. But he didn't even last a month before he was put back in jail so I mean... That's a thing. I think know a part of me wants to see him. That part of me is that 16 year old "before it all went bad" part of me. But I think it was always bad. I think I'm lucky to not have ever gone with him, and ruined my life to be with him. I still have that image of us in my brain of a crappy little apartment and us miserable with a kid and us on drugs because instead of dealing with our probs we'd just numb them. May has been eye opening. My brain still has us getting married in a beautiful feild too. "I'm not wearing a tux, I'm wearing a white t shirt and blue jeans" A middle common ground doesn't exist for us. I mean if there is a God, he gave me 2 car accidents to get into my brain that T is no good. I want him to be good. I think that, I break my own heart wanting that. I think he could've been good. But he chose to use his faults and problems as a poor me and to excuse his actions. He choose to self sabotage, because he had it good with me, when he was living here. He was shown a path from good people around him. But he set it on fire instead. Well. That was more then I thought I was gonna even say, it all just came out. I feel like it's the same shit on my mind, but like I needed to get it out I guess. I mean he asked me to marry him like multiple times and I said yes the first couple times. I wish I could shake the younger me. But like I'm also sad for her. I am so thankful for my conscious and my Dad. My dad being "the reason" why we we weren't together, why I couldn't see him, why I wouldn't marry him. I felt so guilty and ashamed and frustrated. I knew I wouldn't have anything without my Dad, if I chose T. I would be homeless, car-less, friendless, broke, miserable. And for what? T, who I would never really ever make happy anyway? Thank you subconscious for keeping me straight on that.
With that issue I know I need some kind of more closure, I am fully aware I have learned to hate myself for it. And I don't know how to forgive myself yet. It's like I can put all the facts down on paper, but emotionally I don't know what to do with any of it. Isn't that crazy? The brain really does play tricks on you. You literally can get so bad you don't know what's real and not real facts, thoughts, memories. It's like your brain gaslights you. I mean I can break it down.
"I hate myself"
- I was so weird and unlikable
- I have bipolar
- no i don't
- I looked awful
- I hate my voice
- I've always been the fat unimportant friend
- I haven't cut in over 2 years but that would feel like nothing if I did it again- which is so tempting
- people say I would be upset with myself, but i think i would be more worried about what everyone else would think if I relapsed
- It's like I wouldn't want people to know I did it but I would at the same time?
- but also I would have to tell them because I feel so guilty
- but I wouldn't want to because I wouldn't want them to know or treat me or think of me diff
- Don't forget eating, that ones a back and forth trip between "nourishment and punishment"
- I haven't eaten yet, it's fine I'll eat later I don't need to eat, I'll walk it off.
- I don't have an issue with alcohol
- yes i do
- no i don't because that one time I got trashed with C I didn't crave it the next day
- but I wanted it and not us time, more
- I don't want to be stuck at that job forever
- well I should've graduated already
- there's no jobs anyway in this day and age
I could keep going, really I could. But I won't because they're negative and it's easy to drown in them. Crying after-isn't normal That keeps poking through. Wanted to get that down at least. So I got some issues I need to work on. This was all heavy. More then I thought it would be. So here's some cute gifs to close out.
I feel a little better I think. Sorry this was so long.
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