Hi.
Almost a year? 11 months?
Nah seriously I forgot all about this blog. I've never been good with consistency. I had to do a project for my Business Management Communications class that had to do with looking at blogs I think. Honestly, I don't even remember. And truthfully, this blog didn't even come to my mind immediately I was thinking shoot if I have to make a blog, I have to get a new account ect ect. Then I realized it was just to mimic a blog layout on Word.......... Boy was my last min homework debacle less.... debaucl-y No no, it wasn't til HOURS later that I thought of looking this blog up again. So. Here we are. It's February, the last time I posted was in March, of last year. So let's just call it a year it's close enough lol.
You know what's ironic, I'm listening to Selena Gomez's new album Rare, while posting Demi Lovato gifs
Aaaand I've switched to Halsey. Sorry Sel. I don't even know where to start or if I should. Let's just say 2019 was a learning year. Actually, since August of 2018 shit got real. The breakup was awful, not going to sugar coat it, and there are parts of me I'm still angry over. But I have made progress. I went back to school, worked my butt off in therapy, on Lithium (which actually helps), I haven't killed anyone at work (Still at CS), thought I needed sobriety but I needed myself. I've been single for over a year. I'm 25, back in high school, I don't remember ever seeing past high school. There's stuff I don't talk to anyone about, that I think I should talk about. They hurt me. They make me want to cry. And I'm not talking because I don't want to relive it, I don't want to make it seem like it ever happened. I want it all to go away, and I want that face of it's all good. It's fine, I'm fine.
But I'm not fine. Elli says I have to build a new relationship with the inner Maggz. I have to forgive her, and she has to learn to trust me. I don't think anyone really gets along with their mini them all the time, but maybe we can stop hating each other. Cus I'm making progress, but I'm still avoiding things that hurt me, cus I don't want people seeing me cry. I don't even want to let myself cry. Weakness crap. Cus crying means that it legitimizes it. For someone who can't trust her own brain, I sure do run from the emotions of it.
2019 was 2019
2020 is 2020, and I have a lot of goals, most of them are positive affirmations. That I need to not say are dumb, and let myself believe them. I'm not a snowflake if I have feelings. Feelings are what make us different from a rock. Unless you're on the spectrum of everything has a sub conscience then power to ya.
People say have a point to something. I've said it. But I don't know what the point of this blog is. I guess "A mental health blog" is just that. A little online diary of what's in the head of a girl with green eyes.
I over complicate things. I don't have structure half the time. I need structure. But structures boring. Being stable is stable, and stable is boring. Being manic is fun and creativity flows and I feel like I can do anything and my passions are so there. And every things colorful and light and fast. I want to tell everyone everything
....
But then you crash.. And then all you want is stability. Or to die. You want to feel anything then what you're feeling. You want the energy to breathe and it to not hurt. You want a purpose to why you were blasted onto this stupid rock. You want someone to understand. But they don't want to hear you, so what's the point. So you fake it til you make it.
....
Until the wave passes, and the fogginess clears in my head. Until something or some one snaps me out of my low. It takes a lot of energy to be high, it's no wonder the crash is so hard and long.
Then it's like am I recharging or feeling sorry for myself? Am I low, or being lazy? Sometimes that's hard to decipher. Just like am I in a great mood, or is this going to be a high? I don't need my meds because I'm fine and every things all better. Then, I don't want my meds they're not working, and they're not working because I don't have bipolar disorder. Then it's why can't I be normal? Why can't I function without meds? I'm just not trying hard enough, that's all. I need to self discipline more, that will fix it. I can fix this.
Then you go through all the things you think you could've fixed, and realize you can't and couldn't have. And that's pretty depressing. Then it makes you question faith and all the what if's and what the fuck's, and why's. Then you're angry and defeated. Or determined to prove some thing or some one wrong. The mind races and races over situations that you need to make sense of. Maybe something will give you a OMG moment. Then it's off to the races with that one. Depending on the desire, you'll do some research because you know, you gotta back things up. And at each of these stages if you're listening to music, OH BOY you're on a emotional musical side trip with that.
Eventually you're just fucking tired and exhausted and your brain hurts from the crazy. Waking up the next day or so can sometimes feel like a hangover that won't go away and your body will feel like it's been hit by a truck. (I'll never get that cus like when did I run a mile? I think it's the way your body tenses and untenses or something with the energy spent) Or it will feel like nothing was ever wrong in the first place. Just clear skies. Tired clear skies.
Usually then, I decide I don't want to feel like that again and MAYBE taking my meds, eating, sleeping, routine ect is what I need. MAYBE being stable isn't so bad. (As I type at 2am med-less) Or the cycle repeats with my crying from being overwhelmed with everything that even put me in the situation. It's maddening this disorder. Literally maddening. And I didn't even put in the special feature of anxiety sub-category social anxiety.
Are you tired yet?
Me too. This post has gone off the tracks for sure. I don't even know what the point was. At this point, who cares?
There's a lot of shitty things that have happened in January 2020, but like the music was lit. For me anyway; Selena, Halsey, and Demi
It's the little things.
I guess I need to talk though cus I'm still going. Earlier today - well yesterday - I was having a conversation with someone about being there for each other and the topic of journaling came up. I guess it's dumb if you let it be. I mean here we are, well, maybe, I wouldn't blame you. Later, my girl Sammi reminded me that I can't let people steal things from me. The song is still there, the place is still the place, the thing is still the thing. But it's hard, cus some songs just hit and are forever tainted with the memory of the person or place. Like a tattoo that never really fades. But I see her point. I mean there was a while where anything that was Subaru anything I wanted nothing to do with..... I DRIVE A SUBARU and I quite happen to love them. But it was like, things just aren't yours anymore, and it can take awhile as dumb as it sounds to take them back. I want to take things back. NASCAR for example. Or is it just another thing I'm going to be obsessed with for a month and get bored with? There are those thoughts. I think that I can't stop because this is like my train of consciousness and it doesn't stop.. But I'm going to stop. I gotta. It's almost 3am. Here's some gifs and goodbye. xD
oh look it's me. with that. farewell. <3
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