Past Present Future

That's one way to say hello ain't it. 

I skipped a month of posting. There was just a lot happening, and I didn't have the motivation to post. 

- Sandy Hooks 6 year anniversary was last month. 

- Found out a friend of mine passed away (Under questionable circumstances, but we're not going to get into that.)

- My winter break went by so fast but so slow (If that's even possible) 

- Work drama per usual 

- Dealing with alot of nostolgia 

- Today my manager partner quit... So. Now I'm in charge..... Cool. 

I have an outline for the post, but I don't even know where to begin. I know that everything's going to work out, and that I've talked the subject of today enough, but like, I just can't shake it. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. Even music isn't really helping. 

I know I know, trust me, I'm pretty upset about it. I guess I should just dive in? 

This post is going to be on the past, present, and future. 

I don't think I "like" it, but I'm notorious for living in the past, and future, and therefore unable to figure out what to do in the present. 

I've been thinking about my past relationships and how messed up they were. I really didn't be with a lot of people who cared. I thought I could fix them, that they would change because of me. That I could save them. Really I was just being codependent and letting them walk all over me. But I mean they did care in the begining, kinda, we did what we could to get with each other, but there was not much of a follow through, we didn't continue. Sometimes they dropped the ball, sometimes I. But I really tried with a couple, I did all I could and it still wasn't enough. I no longer totally blame one person or myself, because both people were involved in the ending and break up. So that's growth in itself. 

I've also been thinking about actual places, there's a town (Actually a couple) that will never really have much love from me except that one of my best friends live there. People that I've dated tainted the town. There's not really many happy memories there. I kinda just remember who I used to be and how much I gave to other people, and how much I craved for them to love me, because I sure didn't. Weither it was spending money I didn't have, smoking and drinking, driving miles and hours all the time, because "they needed me, and I needed them." No, they needed to get their life together, and I shouldn't have always been the one to come to them, that wasn't cool. I always did that. My standards were pretty low, to be honest. How did I think not having their own transportation, or ambitions with school or a job was attractive?? Let alone they had drug problems. Let alone they cheated on me, and I cheated on them. AND WE KEPT GETTING BACK TOGETHER. LIKE WHAT. Never again. You cheat, you out. 

"Boy bye." As my vision board says. 

There's also just the abuse in my past with my dad's drinking, and my ex who was in and out of jail, that I just like have never worked through. Sometimes I talk about it during my meetings, and I get all choked up. That's a goal of mine this year, to work through the memories. "The pain is over, there's no need to be sad anymore." Fuck off with that please and thank you. 

I used to not want to move, I thought that I had to handle everything that was going on here, and I couldn't possibly move. Now I'm just trying to get my finances together, get my credit score up and get the fuck out of here. There's nothing for me here. 

Speaking of the future, that will be my next topic. Anxiety is probably mainly future based. Being afraid of the unknown. 

Take school for example. My mental health took a huge decline, and my desire to be there faded, I was getting anxious in class and having panic attacks in the parking lot, and I just kinda stopped going. I didn't think I would be able to do it, I didn't care about doing it. I just wanted to work. Except I hated my job. I just gave up. I didn't think I could do it. Which wasn't fair to myself. So until I got back into the school groove, I think I had PTSD when it came to my old school, I would still panic and break down, I refused to wear my old schools sweatshirts because, it just didn't have good memories attached. I was scared of school. I was stuck, I had no idea how much longer I was going to keep up the "Everythings fine, it just one more semester" lie I had going to my dad especially. Not to mention I wasn't really academically inclined. 

But I went up to a school by me for my friend at the time, and I ended up applying crazy enough. I got in, and I am starting my second term this weekend. And my grades are high and I learned alot so far. I have fallen in love with school. I genuinely want to do better. I want to learn. I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but this is a start. AND it's online, no campus classes, no long 16 week classes. Just 8 weeks online, and it's a much better fit for me personally. And I have a lot of support. Everyone I know wants me to do well. I never thought that I would look forward to school. But I am. 

I made a vision board, and I almost didn't. I had made it finally on the last day of December. Wasn't my intention but, it worked out well.  There's alot I want to conjure up in 2019, and my actual vision board ain't too shaby either. 

Now, let's move on to the present. (As I play 2000's music on Pandora and get all nostolgic)

 I struggle being present. I struggle when I'm done with things to do, and I have nothing to keep me busy. Why am I trying to stay busy? Why can't I just sit with myself? Could be my adhd. Could be my anxiety. Could be my depression. Could be all of the above. 

I recently started journaling, and I make myself everyday, and it's.... helped. Strange thought there. XD But I'm trying to do things and get into a habit. Like journaling and reading my daily readers. Or making my bed before I leave. I've tried to do scheduales, and they just... They don't work.  Maybe because I make them. Maybe if someone else made them, I might follow them. I don't know. But I know that I still struggle with time management. I just feel like sometimes I add so much into my day, I have no time, or I have nothing planned and then I freak out because I don't know what to do with my time. 

I've gotten into art again, did lot in December, and that helped. Now I just need to stick with it! It's hard, I'm feeling inspired one moment, and then when I get my pad out and a pencil it's like "poof" all desire gone. It's frustrating for sure. 

With this new management shift, that's definitely panic inducing. But it seems like the people who I thought would be an issue, are actually rooting me on. So we shall see. Take it 1 day at a time. 1 crisis at a time.

It will be okay.

 It will all work out.