It's that time of the month.. UPDATES!
Usually I write out some things to talk about, but I didn't do that so... Here we go.
SCHOOL: I'm ending week 7, I just gotta do the test this weekend and then I'm all set to start WEEK 8! THE LAST WEEK!!!!! OMG!!!! That's kinda crazy, it's gone so fast, and I've done pretty well. If I don't say so myself.
WORK: Work is a joke, per usual. Not much to say on that. The managers quitting, his last day is Tuesday, and the boss's are going on a 3 week vacation. The place is gonna burn down in flames. But as my therapist has taught me, positive self talk.. "What if it works out?" We shall see.
HOME: Charles took some vacation days, so he's been home.............. *rolls eyes* He's so strange, hell piss me off and I want nothing to do with him, but then we get along. I don't get it. It's not stable, which throws me off, but he's a parent, he's not supposed to be my friend I suppose. THANK GOD bye the way. I just can't get any work done when he's home, I don't know why, he's like so distracting. I also have gone through some major cleaning vibes, but again, with- That's alot of commas..anyway! With Charles home, God forbid I clean, it's not his way. Bitch, at least I'm cleaning. Jesus. He's also asking for money always, money I don't have. And then bitches, I need to work at his job, after I've countless said I don't want to, and I'm going to be miserable there. Meh. It will all work out somehow. Just a pain in the ass.
MENTAL: Maybe it's the seasonal change, or just stress, or the cold (Even though I like the cold) I feel like I've been declining mentally. I got a new mood tracker, it's called UP! And it is working really well for me to track my moods multiple times a day, and my sleep, my social activities, my work, my physical activity. It's really helping, HOWEVER. I wouldn't need to be tracking my moods, if all things were fine and dandy. I feel kinda unstable again. And it could just be holiday stress, and the seasonal depression or whatever. But I also know myself. I know when I'm feeling up if it's too up and vise versa. Which concerned me enough to start tracking my moods again, and guess what... I'm not wrong. My moods have indeed been more sporadic.
My mentor, who I'm basically gonna stop talking about personal life too and just keep it strictly school related, was like, "you don't seem bipolar, you're functioning fine without medications, you're not bad. I think you're misdiagnosed. You're not like my brother. But I don't know anything about it." SO THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP. You're not in my fucking head. You don't know anything about my history. There was a time where I was REALLY trying to get back on medication cus I was feeling that crazy bad feeling again. That was literally this Fall. But no one takes my insurance, so I kinda gave up, and I'm like I'll deal with it without meds somehow. Not everyone who is bipolar is on meds or needs meds. How about you educate yourself instead of making assumptions. Like I've been researching and studying mental disorders and bipolar specifically, since I was in high school, when this all began. Yes me not cutting and binge drinking, and not being in a unhealthy relationship, I'm sure all have helped. But it's not the solution. That doesn't define me. People don't just get sober, and go "Ok it was just the disease, I'm fine, there's nothing else wrong, it was just the drugs and alcohol." NO THE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL WERE A COPING SKILL BECAUSE YOU GOT ACTUAL SHIT GOING ON YOU HAVE TO WORK ON. As my favorite recovery podcast Trisha say, drinking is but a symptom. And she talks about finding the root of the problem, once sober. BECAUSE THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON PEOPLE DRINK AND DO DRUGS. Educate yourself - especially since you preach education- you will learn much more and not look and sound ignorant.
If I could go back on meds today, I would. I know they helped a little. I don't remember if it was a crazy amount, but they did help, otherwise why would I be wanting to go back on them? But until I find a psychiatrist to take my insurance, I'm gonna try and handle this on my own. Sorry, rant aside, other than that bullshit, things seem ok. Doing alot of art and video games and things that oh idk MAKE ME HAPPY. Weird thought.
HEALTH: I really want to eat better. Like definitely actually cook more then pasta, haha. The studies show, diet and excersize are the way to go. So eating better and going to the gym, is the plan. I'm really determined. My mom did an article on some magazine, about her health, and especially with her battling cancer and how important working out was and how it helped her. It's framed and hanging up in our hallway, and you know what? In the 16 years she's been gone, I don't think I've ever read it. I knew she was active and loved the gym, but reading that article was really touching and motivating. It gave me incite into her mind kinda. Which in a way made me feel closer to her. It also made me wanna write to her again, I have written a couple times and it's helped here and there. But the 2 letters were like polar opposites. Which is interesting. I know I have alot to work on with her passing. I haven't really gone through the feelings or memories because I was only like 7 years old. I was just a kid. So in motivation and in memory, here's one of her gym pictures. I really wish I knew her today.
*Edit, I was looking for gym pictures and ending up saving SO MANY from my facebook, but here's the gym ones. Hahaha.*
PROGRAM: I... Could be doing more, going to more meetings... I'm trying to read my Daily's.. daily again. With the amount of sleep I've been getting, meetings have been hard to get up for or go after a long day. My sleep has improved a little bit, so I should try harder this coming week to go. I could easilly go to 4 meetings in a week. I just have to ... GO. XD It's like the gym, once I'm there I'm good, it's just going. But I also have my recovery podcast, OH! Which is called Recovery Happy Hour. (You can find it on podcast sites like Spotify or apple or google I beleive, I use spotify.) I love it. !! It's a good supliment to AA meetings in particular because I don't like the AA meetings compared to Alanon. Which brings up a little bitterness again towards someone. You don't need to go to AA to get sober. "If you don't go to meetings and get in the program you're going to slip." First of all, thanks for that bode of confidence. Secondly no I don't. Thirdly I have had a 12 step program for 7 years thank you. AA is not going to be this shell shocking revelation. And I've tried meetings before, I didn't like them. THAT'S OKAY. I still go to Alanon, and I still use program in my life. Would I like to find more recovery groups? Sure, always. But it's not an end all if AA doesn't work for me. I know that AA works for so many people, and I'm so grateful it works for them. I believe fully in the 12 steps. They. Work.
So for Alanon I go to physical meetings (And I'll put in more effort to go to more. I think the cold and DARK isn't helping. I don't mind the cold, but cold AND dark? When I can just snuggle up in my bed? Lol.) And AA I have a podcast. Nothings wrong with that. I'm trying to use program outside of meetings, and that's all I can do and need to do. And that's it for program. Gotta work it more so I can sponsor someone one day. My goal is really work my ass off with the steps this comming year so next year, I will be in a good place to sponsor. PLUS by that time I'll be about the age where I can look into doing Alateen sponsorship, which has always been a dream of mine, to help other kids who are struggling. I will probably not be a Alateen sponsor, as it takes A LOT of time and commitment, that I don't feel I could promise, plus the politics are bullshit. But I could be an.. Amias? It's like a substitute sponsor for the teens if someone isn't available. So yeah, that's it for program updates.
SOCIAL: Social is something I have always seemed to struggle with. I'm either surrounded by people, or alone. The past year I've dropped a bunch of people out of my life, but I also gained a couple. It's not about quantity, it's quality. And if you are not serving me, and making me want to be a better person, and work on myself, then you out hunny. Sorry. Peace bitches. I have to say I haven't really gone out and have been social much, I went last weekend I think for a couple hours, and it was really good. I think it's just definitely limited for my own introvert sanity.
HOWEVER I have been really into this podcast. (This year has been podcast central, hahaha) They're called Scary-ish. They're phenomenal, I can't praise them enough. They podcast spooky things like the Winchester House, or The Elevator Game, and they stream (and put it on their podcast) "Homegrown Horrors" Which are viewer submitted scary stories or heartfelt about the paranormal. They have really been so amazing, I'm so happy I started listening to them.
Fun story time!!!!!! Ok so I was watching one of their streams, which I've never done before, and so I was being brave and talking in the Twitch chat thing. AND THEY SHOUTED ME OUT A COUPLE TIMES #1 !!!! I am part of their Discord, which is like a chat thing, idk how to explain it. But there were people's usernames that were on there, that I recognized on Twitch, so it felt like, real in a way. Like hey I saw you post something earlier today, it was cool to talk to them in a way. So anyway after the stream of them telling peoples stories, they were playing a marble game. I know, I was confused too. So I watched the first round, IT WAS SO COOL and fun! So I decided to add myself in the second round. YALL I WAS IN THE LEAD FOR A HOT MINUTE! XD and then I wasn't. :( But I got 5th place.! And so someone won the race, which was so fun, it's a dumb marble race game, but IT CAN BE SO INTENSE !! Anyway, the person who wins the rounds will get stickers, the podcast people will send them out. The winner said "We should give the win to the newbie" (Which was me, because I mentioned it was my first stream ever.) YALL. You don't even know. I WAS SO HAPPY. And thankful, and excited, and grateful. I never win anything, and the person didn't have to do that. SO! I messaged them, and gave them my mailing adress, and told them how grateful I was and how much their podcast has helped me. So. They're gonna send some stickers out. AND IF YOU KNOW ME YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKERS!!!!! :DDD So yeah. :) I'm getting braver about talking to others, even if it's just online.
Alright, I believe that's it. Sorry it was so long, I wasn't expecting it to be, I actually was thinking of a topic idea I could add in after the updates because I didn't think there would be so many. Haha. So. Yeah. Thanks for reading if you got this far.!
Next weeks topic will be:
Oh... I don't know, I crossed it off. Whoops. Soooooooooooo that's gonna be a surprise. XD
One more thing before I go, I have been getting random memories, or song-associated memories. So that's been interesting. Ok, that's all.
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