Sigh. Let's not sugar coat this. I'm not doing wonderfully. I'm not sleeping, and it's effecting my moods. I had a completely different blog posting idea. It was on pets! I even was just now researching more on it to write. But it just felt so overwhelming and too much. And I want to give a genuine post, I don't want to BS it because yall aren't stupid, you would see right through that. Someday I will do pets, unfortunately, that won't be today.
Why am I not sleeping? Lord knows. Stress mostly I guess, but I also have some form of insomnia, I don't know which, a doctor told me and put me on a medication that guess what? Didn't work. The past month I've barely slept. I would like to conclude it to my ex being out of jail, and just that subconscious unease. But I'm sure it's a mix of things.
Something that bothers me, is I was told "The pain is over, there's nothing to be upset about anymore." If that was the case, I wouldn't be upset? I am upset? Another thing was I was trying to explain that my abuse was different from theirs and they were like "You don't know what you want, you're in denial. What makes sexual abuse not a form of abuse??" Uh, I never said it wasn't, I was just trying to explain my side, which I didn't get to do because they wouldn't let me speak. I'm not in denial about anything, though there are days where I just gotta pretend that everythings great and just get through the day, but that doesn't mean that nothing happened. I know exactly what happened. I'm just choosing in that moment to deal with the feelings not in that moment. It ruins my day when I let him control me when we don't even talk, when he's not even in my life. I was told "Why are you letting him control you?" When I mentioned I would want to see one of my friends shops they opened up, but it's in the town where everything happened with my ex and I wasn't sure if he was placed there again after his lock up. I am letting him control that because I have CLINICALLY a lot of PTSD from that town and everything, so why shouldn't I not want to be up there. God forbid I see my ex, it will bring it all back, why would I even want to open that door? "Just walk away" "I know it's scary" No, you don't know shit, this isn't your situation, it's mine. And this is exactly why I haven't tried to talk about it with other people, because they don't get it. I don't have an exist strategy if he comes near me because I freeze up. I fucking freeze. That's not something that I can just snap out of. I'm accustomed to how I used to be with him. It's like a gut reaction. At least this time around my gut isn't telling me to go to him, it's not yearning for him, it wants nothing to do with him.
Look, rant aside, I have picked and chosen who I let into my life, and I won't be telling this person details anymore. I don't need them to agree with me, that wouldn't be productive, but they won't even let me talk. Sometimes you just need to talk shit out without other people trying to talk at you, because it makes you feel worse. I felt so shitty emotionally after that whole ordeal I couldn't focus on my homework. And I was cranked out because I wasn't sleeping.
I was suggested that I "didn't show signs of being bipolar" from my therapist. Which had thrown me off even more "maybe I'm not?" Because I've been STABLE. WHICH IS A GOOD MOTHER FUCKING THING. But apparently I can't be sick if I'm stable. God forbid anythings wrong if I'm not fucking up my life with self harm and shitty people. So I've weeded out shitty people, and I'm sober, and clean and I have more of a future I'm creating for myself. Can't be bipolar then. I can't be having a hard time because I have my shit together. I'm high functioning, that doesn't mean that I don't struggle and have bad days. I wish more people would understand that.
I got a mood app again because I haven't been bullet journaling because I'm over it. It's called "UP!" It's specifically for bipolar people, and I actually really like it so far. I just have to remember to use it. I turned off the notifications because it literally was the most annoying thing. So if you were to get it, turn off the notifications. I like it because there's a good wide range of emotions, you can post multiple times a day, you can put a journal entry in it. It's a simple user face which is really appealing. I know in my heart I have bipolar disorder, I do think I have rapid cycling more specifically, then bipolar 2. Which I guess in theory that's a good thing. I have lowered a level. I also know a lot of it is environmental, and seasonal. Weird, I get triggering people out of my life, and I seem to do better. Strange concept. Sarcasm. The thing I have to work on is the seasonal. I'm definitely more low in the winter and more high in the summer. And more stable in the fall and spring. Probably because of the extremes. And the weather in CT has been ridiculous.
I know what I want in a significant other, more then I did before. I thought that my recent ex was it. That we would be together and get married and have kids and love each other unconditionally. He has a lot of issues he hasn't worked on, and that he needs to, in order to be there for someone else. I have learned through this relationship, I need to speak up about what's bothering me, and not worry about weither it inconveniences the other person or not. That may sound selfish, but if I don't, I never will. I can be empathetic but not when it hurts me. I have learned in the last couple months of 2018 I fucking matter. I am fucking worthy of being loved. I fucking am worth every bit of effort and attention I give to others. No one except myself will be put on a pedestal. I'm a kind person. I'm a caring person. I go out of my way for others. Now it's time I do that for myself. My next significant person will need to be working on their issues and not have addiction in their veins, and if so, be in a freaking program and want to change for themselves. They need to love themselves and not in a narcissistic way like some of the ex's I've had. They need to have ambition, realistically. They need to not give up on people, and themselves. They need to be good, and kind souled. They need to recognize when they've fucked up and own up. They need to support others and believe in them, and not make the other person feel inferior. If that's too much, shit I dunno what to do. They don't need to be perfect. They just need to fit what I need, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm aloud to be picky. If they don't exist right now, that's fine, I'm not on a mission to find someone. I know someone will come around when the times' right. I don't need to be waiting for them or searching for qualities in people I used to know.
This post is long, and I think I just needed to rant, so I congratulate you if you got this far. !!
I have tried many things to help me sleep, and nothings working. I also don't know who likes shopping with all the people out, like how is that enjoyable? Trying to fit in between people, and having a lot of those people be rude as hell. The holiday's aren't supposed to be miserable, but people sure do a good job of making it feel like that.
I have some Christmas decorations and I just..... I don't want to put them up, I just don't feel it. My soul is tired and people exhaust me. I wish it could be different, maybe sleeping would help. I don't know. I'm just tired of these emotions ruining my day. I really try for them not too, but like once I get triggered it's very hard for me to just "snap out of it." I know I should be using my program more. Sometimes I just need to let the emotions go. For instance, today I felt drained and my head ached, and I just kinda hung out in bed for most of the day after dealing with the outside world. And then I kinda felt better and I got some homework done and I tidied up my room. But it's in waves today. Even in this post, just waves of emotions. I know I should probably eat, but there's nothing I want, and I don't want to go out. I just want to sleep, but I haven't eaten anything but coffee, goldfish, and a cup of soup. I should eat something else. Everything so unappealing, and its' cold and dark outside.
Back to the subject of sleep because I can't stay on one topic clearly, I've done some research and here's a list of 20 ways to fall asleep...... Let me tell you I've tried about 15 of these. It hasn't worked, BUT there are some things I haven't tried, like aromatherapy, I have a lavender thing with a tea light I can try, and thinking happy thoughts (That sounds crazy but thinking about it I'm usually obsessing about the future or the past, good or bad, I don't stay current) I could also have tea with my sleeping gummy, or warm milk. I could also actually excersize again by going to the gym in the morning, (crazy thought, I just have to get there and I'm good. That's the hardest part.) I can also take warm showers, which I don't do often. Between my mental health battling with personal hygene, and my past times where I used to cut in the shower (IT'S BEEN JUST OVER A YEAR THOUGH OMG YAY!!!) To my not great desire for the warm water, I normally take cool showers, it's an idea at least that I haven't tried really. I had felt pretty defeated this week, but this article gives me hope!
This post is super long, and I'm sorry. Sometime's it just feels nice to write, and even if you didn't read it I don't find that insulting. I have a short attention span as well, which is why I try to break up the long paragraphs with gifs, as well as to bring some comic relief. Anyway, here's to a better nights sleep hopefully.
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