More u p d a t e s -- Getting Organized !

I have a LOT of blog ideas. I promise, they're in my bullet journal! I even have Friday's as blog posting day! (Now that I have a schedule- more about that later)  However, I feel like some house keeping is needed from time to time, especially looking back, I can see where I was at that time in my life. I also really like breaking these posts up with gifs :) 

OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I was looking for a housekeeping gif and this popped up! XD 

Anyway yall. Guess what. 

I

AM

ELEVEN

MONTHS

SAFE

FROM

SELF

HARM

I am almost at a year! It's bittersweet. And I would love to post about self harm, I have alot to say on it. But this isn't that. So I'm keeping it short and sweet. <3 

I AM ALSO A COLLEGE STUDENT! Which I think I talked about last post, BUT it's totally hit, and I really really like it. I'm taking 2 classes both of which I have A's in, which I know it's just been a week, but to have an A in a class means so much to me.! I didn't even think I would be at this point in my life. I'm so thankful. I'm so grateful. My friends and family and even work, are SO supportive. It really really means alot. <3 

With going to college I have realized it's going to be treated as a second job. I may not be getting paid in currency for it, but I'll be paid in good grades and a future for myself. So that means I needed a schedule. I am going online for school, it's cheaper, and with my social anxiety, it's for the best. I created a schedule many times, and never stuck to it. I'm sticking to this one with the best of my ability, probably because it's the most realistic and personal for me. However the thing I'm struggling the most with, is the morning and night routines, which have been tweaked so they're more productive with things I want to do. Rather then just staying online and watching YouTube. I have going to program 3-4x a week, doing something for school everyday so I don't get behind, work, ect. 

Below is a pretty close representation of my current schedule. xD

Hmm... What else.... OH YEAH! I sprained my ankle pretty bad, it's finally getting better, but I went to Urgent Care yesterday to just make sure. No broken bones. HOWEVER I have "white coat syndrome" Which basically means my vitals are abnormally high at doctors offices. And I never knew that was a thing, I just thought it was me. So add it to my list of issues. XXDD I had to go alone, which I was not happy about, and my anxiety was through the roof and I was on the verge of crying the whole time, but I did it. It's hard to do stuff like that, my anxiety is so bad in those situations. My blood pressure and pulse were so high the nurse was like "I can't show the doctor this, it will scare him" LIKE THANKS I'M SCARED TO LADY. But all's well that ends well. 

^Litterally me, I was so shaky and sick due to my anxiety, and then I was exhausted after. 

Moving on.. 

I am working on being more creative. For my sanity number one, and two because I know I have skills, I just have to work at them again and get them stronger. Plus I have Adobe Premire Pro and it costs me monthly to use, so I gotta use it. So. I'm going to try in my free time, to film more and put stuff together, otherwise I'm going to have to get rid of the program and I have a really nice new(er) camera and everything for it. So I'm hoping I get some inspiration on the weekends to film, and then create some kinda film for the week. ! I'm currently listening to this station on Spotify and I really like it as background noise. It's called... Brain Food. It's "meant" for focus I guess. I don't really think it works for that, I more see it as music I can put in films I make. :) 

(That's a camera recording gif if you can't see it)

I am also trying to get more F E S T I V E for the holidays ahead. I'm pretty apprehensive to begin with. Holiday's are not normally something I look forward too. Previous years have been pretty messed up. I was either screwing around in relationships that had no future, drinking, cutting, smoking, wishing I was dead, resenting my dad for making me spend it with his gf as they argued endlessly, hating to go places where everything was made a big deal, and all the secrets had to be super locked away. The holidays also just are never a positive experience. Weither it was when my dad was drinking (8 years ago still feels not so far away) or my ex getting out of jail and ending up back in my life somehow. Holidays suck. Plus people are not more cheery, they're bitchy. And the holidays are expensive! And stressful for like 1-2 days out of the year people go psycho. So to say I'm looking forward to it is an understatement. 

But I do want to have a different experience this year. I'm actually in college, so I can actually talk about my classes, and not try and come up with some excuse of where I'm going with my life. I am 11 months clean and I'm going on 6 months sober, so that's good. I'm genuinely a little happier with my life this time around. So if I can just keep my shit together for those couple days and make the best out of them, I might actually have a good time. Plus I have program behind me, since I'm going so much more, I think I might actually be okay. Even though my ex is getting out of jail in literally 9 days, I'm going to try really hard to not let that ruin my holidays. It's pretty hard when he's not behind bars. He is my trigger, my weakness, my abuser. And a part of me will always love him and want the best for him. But I'm not it, I can't save him, I tried. I can't fix him, I tried.

 I can't have him around me and be sober. 

That, ladies and gentleman is an eye opener in itself.  I hate when people are like "Just get a restraining order, just do this, just do that." They don't know, they don't get it. He's like an addiction himself. I have to stay so unbelievably and sometimes I'll admit, painfully, far away from him for my own good. My own health, my own safety, my own sanity. For some reason we orbit each other. Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers, bad boy vs good girl. You name it. But he's toxic. He's no good for me. He's ruined many aspects of my life that I am trying so hard to repair and make new. 

He won't win. 

One last thing, on the subject of love and battle scars... I am in a relationship... Officially as of right now. I'm dating myself! Before you judge, it's not a narcissistic kind of love here. It's taking deeper breathes, sleeping more, being kind to my body, and my mind. It's learning about what I like and don't like. Learning my tolerances. Learning what I thought I couldn't do, what I can. It's taking the time that I've spend on other people, on myself. It's taking the little girl inside of me, as someone I know says, and treating her the way she's craved to be treated. It's giving her what she couldn't have years before. I've been dating myself on and off, but I'm really into it now. I have no crushes. No romantic desires with anyone. It's a freeing feeling. 

So that about wraps it up from me on all these updates. :) Much love.