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That's what this page is, a blank page. Well now it's not, but I keep deleting what I start. I don't really know how to start, or what to say. There's a lot. I've taken the past month (technically 2) to myself. I think I've made a lot of little victories. I'm learning that I don't need somebody else romantically. I learned that's actually the last thing I want right now. 

A part of me, somewhere beyond the anger and betrayal, is holding out R and I will get back together. He was my future, he was it, the one. And that all crashed down. 

Or so it seemed. 

There were foundation holes missing and they stacked up and we crumbled to nothing. I will put more of the blame on him, because it is true, he dropped the ball on us. And if we got back together, what about the next time things get hard? Communication was never our strong suit. But I had been changing, I had been doing anything I could do to keep him and have him forever like he said we would. 

I was pretty bitter, emotional, angry, now I'm trying to just let it go. He's got the house we basically broke up over.. the cat he wanted with me. On the surface things seem great. 

On the surface. That's what my sponsor said to remember, I don't know what he's thinking, or feeling. 

In other news my ex before him, a really narcissistic piece of shit, followed me on instagram. Ew. I can't even be mad, I'm the one who decided to unblock people one night. It still hurts. That whole relationship I never got over. It's something that I don't think I ever will because I never knew what was real and what was a joke. I know he's probably dying to tell me he told me so. I didn't exactly end things with us civilly, I was pretty immature to hurt him for all the times he hurt me. And guess what? He didn't care. I guess deep down I knew that he didn't. I do feel bad for that, but it's in the past. I'm just gonna pretend he never followed me again, and keep moving foward. The best revenge is proving to the asshole's you're doing just fine, even if you're not. Fake it til you make it. 

My ex from jail, is getting out of jail next month, that's comforting. He hasn't contacted me since he went in, and I hope it stays that way. I know it's better without him. But shit, he'll always be a weakness for me. I know that I am SO much happier without him and better and stronger. But a part of me still finds comfort in him. There are days I still just wanna run into his arms and have him hold me tight. When I think of having all my ex's in a room lined up and who I would go to first..... It's him..... Always has and always will be. 

I was thinking about writing about our relationship. There really isn't a day he doesn't cross my mind, from one reminder to another. But you know, the ABUSE, the car accidents, the arrests, the ABUSE, the drama, the lies, the ABUSE. I think that I will always love him. I just have to be strong and not answer if he calls. Easier said then done. 

I'm realizing that having friends is so much better then having a relationship, there's no pressure. The only thing sucks is if they're flirting, or just being friendly... ? Lol. But you know what, there's nothing to obsess over. I'm happy. Well... Right now I am. And I'm okay on my own. I'm sober. I'm safe. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I'm doing okay. Keeping the toxic people out always helps. 

I'm really anxious able school starting again, and not being on some form of meds. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just not disciplined enough. But then I remember that even in school it was hard to focus. Getting a doctor seems to be impossible no one takes my insurance. Here's to hopes that this dude my sponsor told me about will take my insurance. Probably not though. LOL.  

Hope to make some breakthroughs in therapy tomorrow.