I don't think I've always been an emotional being. I really believe that it was nature over nurture that made me like this. Sometimes feeling so much can be a blessing, other times not. It seems to be a see-saw and I pop up or slam down. When I'm up I can't come down, and when I'm down, I can't bare to get up, everything's so heavy, so black and white. I remember being in a stairwell in high school and everyone seemed to just blur past me and it was all slow motion. And faded, like the saturation wasn't at it's normal level. Other times I had been the one in slow motion, when everything is so vibrant and moving and sparking every bit of my attention.
I always knew my emotions were "more" then others in high school. All the adults in my life chalked it up to me being a "teenage girl". They never believed that there could be more. They thought everything was a phase and I was just lazy or unfocused. They were right, partially. I was lazy, when I was low. And I was unfocused, both low but especially high. They put me into a program and got me an official document, a 504. I could now use the special ed department as a place to do my work, and get help, as well as be my emotional support. I don't remember a lot of that meeting, I know I was probably cutting then (That was most definitely a phase, a fad, attention-sarcasm).
I used to drown in thoughts of high school. And I guess I decided to block it out, then again a lot of fucked up shit happened in high school. There were like 1-2 deaths per year, so that was cool. Dealt with my first suicide from a friend my sophomore year, after some other junior had passed away that beginning year. I remember that night I got the text like it was yesterday. Still makes me tear up. I know there are people who have had it worse, there always will be. But this isn't their story to tell, is it?
I was never really someone who fit in, no one really "liked" me, I was just there. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "Sometimes you're friends with people because you saw them 5 days a week" Trust me, graduating high school proved that to be painfully true. Even in college, I never really had any "friends" but we would see each other in the hall or in class. Then that was it. We were "college friends." But not life friends. I didn't really want friends after high school either. It wasn't cause I didn't connect with the other people (I mean I didn't) but it was like I had no desire to be friends with them. I didn't care. I was there because everyone told me I had to be there.
College right after high school was the right choice, I regret dropping out. Everyone had been telling me what to do, and then they were all well we can't tell you what to do, it's your journey. Maybe I wasn't self disciplined enough. Maybe I just hated that school. I hated the classes and the professors and the people there. Maybe college right after high school wasn't the right choice.
Everything has a push and a pull. Everything has opposites. My emotions are no different. I learned that I have a lot of feelings when it comes to school. I learned that not everyone is gonna get it. I remember when I told a friend in a stairwell what my ex had done for years, and how I kept letting it happen, knowing I shouldn't blame myself I still did. I still do to this day. I still feel the shame, the anger, the guilt, all of these confusing contradicting emotions. I think that's when things started going downhill. I stopped going to class because I couldn't focus, I always forgot the homework, I couldn't sit still in class. Everything was so much. It was when I was getting panic attacks in the parking lot that I stopped going. It was the math class I just couldn't pass, but I did okay with math in high school. I understood it for the most part. That stupid program would be the death of me scholastically.
I can blame it all on my ex, or my shitty friends that I ended, or the car accidents. But more then anything, it was me. I gave up on myself. I had started a new job, and I didn't wanna balance work and school. I was over school to begin with, and I was like well I need money more. So I just stopped going, I literally gave up on myself. Today, that makes me really sad. One of my best friends had been my cheerleader with school, and I really looked up to her scholastically, "If she can do it, so can I" But... life happened, and she's put her graduate school on hold. Which is okay, so why am I feeling so shitty? Life happened to me too. It's not like I've given completely up. School isn't for me, it never has been, but I still want to go back, but I don't know what I want to do, it keeps changing. I get so bored of something so quickly.
Vet
Cook
Graphic design
Art Therapist
Anthropologist
Profiler
Drug and alcohol worker
Pharmaceutical tech
Book keeping
HR management
How do you choose one path, and stick to it and not be miserable? I've learned that no matter where I go, there's gonna be drama. There's gonna be shitty management. I think that's what's put me down. Is how negative things are. "I'm gonna hate everywhere I work and I can't work at something I love, because then I'll hate it too" Those are very dangerous words to say. They're extremely negative. "Can't" "Hate" Someone asked me what I want in life and I had said "To not hate myself. LOL" There was no joking behind that statement. They knew it weither they told me or not. I use self destructive sarcasm as a defense mechanism for sure.
There was a time (and it's been more then once) where I just didn't care. I would be harming myself so much, toxic exhausting friendships, relationships, cutting, drinking, smoking, anything to just numb out and plaster that "Everything's great" smile on my face so no one asked questions. Now let me tell you, everyone has a certain percent of narcissism in themselves. And the people who can't admit it, are usually the ones with the bigger percent. So of course in high school I loved drama, I'll admit that. When I got out of high school and things started going downhill, I didn't want the drama. I didn't have time to have drama because "I was the one who was miserable" I needed to let my friends know how terrible I had felt when I chose to tell them. I don't remember if I told them a lot of the time, I know I ranted a lot. Everything was so surface deep.
And don't get me wrong, I talked about deep shit too, usually when I had relapsed and needed to tell someone. Which was just a cry for help and attention really, as much as I hate to admit it. The actual act, let me be clear, was NOT for attention. But I think telling people and acting all "poor me" about it was. Because we're human, we just want people to give us attention. But that underlying attention feeling, is actually, the desire to be wanted, and loved. I know crazy. We don't mean to be "drama" or "a mess" (Even the certain 'lost cause's' in your life).
I've been in a 12 step program for like 7 years, and let me tell you it's probably taken me 7 years to really understand what compation and humility means. "Detach with love" Has been quite the lesson this year in particular. You can let the person vent and talk and all that all they need, but you don't have to take on their emotions. Trust me I'm an empath, I take on emotions like oxygen. And there are just very draining people out there on this earth, and honestly, I'm sick of feeling so wiped out because of them. So I can give them the consideration and let them rant, but I don't need to solve all their problems. Usually, if they don't ask, they're not looking for answers, they're looking for an ear to listen. And trust me, there are those people who just want to hear themselves talk.
This post is really long, I'm not even sure what the theme of it is anymore. So I'm gonna leave with this, it's okay to not know what the fuck you wanna do. It's okay to walk away from toxic people. And for gods sake, IT IS OKAY TO FEEL. Even on the bad days.
I always knew my emotions were "more" then others in high school. All the adults in my life chalked it up to me being a "teenage girl". They never believed that there could be more. They thought everything was a phase and I was just lazy or unfocused. They were right, partially. I was lazy, when I was low. And I was unfocused, both low but especially high. They put me into a program and got me an official document, a 504. I could now use the special ed department as a place to do my work, and get help, as well as be my emotional support. I don't remember a lot of that meeting, I know I was probably cutting then (That was most definitely a phase, a fad, attention-sarcasm).
I used to drown in thoughts of high school. And I guess I decided to block it out, then again a lot of fucked up shit happened in high school. There were like 1-2 deaths per year, so that was cool. Dealt with my first suicide from a friend my sophomore year, after some other junior had passed away that beginning year. I remember that night I got the text like it was yesterday. Still makes me tear up. I know there are people who have had it worse, there always will be. But this isn't their story to tell, is it?
I was never really someone who fit in, no one really "liked" me, I was just there. I saw a quote somewhere that said something along the lines of "Sometimes you're friends with people because you saw them 5 days a week" Trust me, graduating high school proved that to be painfully true. Even in college, I never really had any "friends" but we would see each other in the hall or in class. Then that was it. We were "college friends." But not life friends. I didn't really want friends after high school either. It wasn't cause I didn't connect with the other people (I mean I didn't) but it was like I had no desire to be friends with them. I didn't care. I was there because everyone told me I had to be there.
College right after high school was the right choice, I regret dropping out. Everyone had been telling me what to do, and then they were all well we can't tell you what to do, it's your journey. Maybe I wasn't self disciplined enough. Maybe I just hated that school. I hated the classes and the professors and the people there. Maybe college right after high school wasn't the right choice.
Everything has a push and a pull. Everything has opposites. My emotions are no different. I learned that I have a lot of feelings when it comes to school. I learned that not everyone is gonna get it. I remember when I told a friend in a stairwell what my ex had done for years, and how I kept letting it happen, knowing I shouldn't blame myself I still did. I still do to this day. I still feel the shame, the anger, the guilt, all of these confusing contradicting emotions. I think that's when things started going downhill. I stopped going to class because I couldn't focus, I always forgot the homework, I couldn't sit still in class. Everything was so much. It was when I was getting panic attacks in the parking lot that I stopped going. It was the math class I just couldn't pass, but I did okay with math in high school. I understood it for the most part. That stupid program would be the death of me scholastically.
I can blame it all on my ex, or my shitty friends that I ended, or the car accidents. But more then anything, it was me. I gave up on myself. I had started a new job, and I didn't wanna balance work and school. I was over school to begin with, and I was like well I need money more. So I just stopped going, I literally gave up on myself. Today, that makes me really sad. One of my best friends had been my cheerleader with school, and I really looked up to her scholastically, "If she can do it, so can I" But... life happened, and she's put her graduate school on hold. Which is okay, so why am I feeling so shitty? Life happened to me too. It's not like I've given completely up. School isn't for me, it never has been, but I still want to go back, but I don't know what I want to do, it keeps changing. I get so bored of something so quickly.
Vet
Cook
Graphic design
Art Therapist
Anthropologist
Profiler
Drug and alcohol worker
Pharmaceutical tech
Book keeping
HR management
How do you choose one path, and stick to it and not be miserable? I've learned that no matter where I go, there's gonna be drama. There's gonna be shitty management. I think that's what's put me down. Is how negative things are. "I'm gonna hate everywhere I work and I can't work at something I love, because then I'll hate it too" Those are very dangerous words to say. They're extremely negative. "Can't" "Hate" Someone asked me what I want in life and I had said "To not hate myself. LOL" There was no joking behind that statement. They knew it weither they told me or not. I use self destructive sarcasm as a defense mechanism for sure.
There was a time (and it's been more then once) where I just didn't care. I would be harming myself so much, toxic exhausting friendships, relationships, cutting, drinking, smoking, anything to just numb out and plaster that "Everything's great" smile on my face so no one asked questions. Now let me tell you, everyone has a certain percent of narcissism in themselves. And the people who can't admit it, are usually the ones with the bigger percent. So of course in high school I loved drama, I'll admit that. When I got out of high school and things started going downhill, I didn't want the drama. I didn't have time to have drama because "I was the one who was miserable" I needed to let my friends know how terrible I had felt when I chose to tell them. I don't remember if I told them a lot of the time, I know I ranted a lot. Everything was so surface deep.
And don't get me wrong, I talked about deep shit too, usually when I had relapsed and needed to tell someone. Which was just a cry for help and attention really, as much as I hate to admit it. The actual act, let me be clear, was NOT for attention. But I think telling people and acting all "poor me" about it was. Because we're human, we just want people to give us attention. But that underlying attention feeling, is actually, the desire to be wanted, and loved. I know crazy. We don't mean to be "drama" or "a mess" (Even the certain 'lost cause's' in your life).
I've been in a 12 step program for like 7 years, and let me tell you it's probably taken me 7 years to really understand what compation and humility means. "Detach with love" Has been quite the lesson this year in particular. You can let the person vent and talk and all that all they need, but you don't have to take on their emotions. Trust me I'm an empath, I take on emotions like oxygen. And there are just very draining people out there on this earth, and honestly, I'm sick of feeling so wiped out because of them. So I can give them the consideration and let them rant, but I don't need to solve all their problems. Usually, if they don't ask, they're not looking for answers, they're looking for an ear to listen. And trust me, there are those people who just want to hear themselves talk.
This post is really long, I'm not even sure what the theme of it is anymore. So I'm gonna leave with this, it's okay to not know what the fuck you wanna do. It's okay to walk away from toxic people. And for gods sake, IT IS OKAY TO FEEL. Even on the bad days.
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