For Now

This post is going to be a hard one to write. I feel as if in the last week I've talked this to death. However, writing is healthy so, yeah.

My boyfriend and I broke up.

"For now"

I knew it was coming. I felt it in my bones, I thought we could make it through this rough patch. Correction. I could make it through. Not us. Not him. He just sees darkness, and wants to blame someone else for what's going on. I'm not going into detail, but basically I took myself out of the equation because "I can't handle anymore stress." God forbid he asked me about my day, it was all negative. Then he got mad I didn't tell him what was going on in my life, like bitch, you never asked! And I didn't wanna "Stress him" anymore then I needed.

There's only so many ways to say sorry and that things will get better.
There's only so many times you let it slide.

I'm angry, and I'm hurt, and I'm grieving the relationship. I did everything in my power to fight for him and us and myself. He wanted none of that, he just gave up on us. Mind you we barely talked or saw each other. So like ???

He kept saying "I can't do this for now, I can't be with you for now, maybe when things get better ... " ect. Then he threw it in my face "It's terrible we can't deal with each other when we're stressed out" I WAS THERE FOR HIM. He's the one who interpreted everything negatively. He didn't take any suggestion I gave. "Sorry" had no meaning to him. I wasn't even angry, I stuck by him, but he felt I wasn't there because I didn't show more attention to his needs. He shut me out and locked the door.

My main priority is my sobriety. So no, I'm sorry I don't have more then I'm sorry, to his depression. I'm trying to keep my light in my tunnel on. He just kept turning his light off.

I'm in no way saying it's all his fault, we had our faults together, but I did what I could. He didn't really give me much to go off of when he can't even spend 2 mins sending a text, but he can spend time deleting pictures and me and us.

I wish him the best. I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to be with someone else, I wanted it to be me, for the rest of our lives. But forever had an expiration date. If he gets his shit together and finds someone else, then... I don't know. Maybe it will work out for him next time.

If he really meant "for now" and comes back, he's gonna have to prove to me and himself that he won't shut down when shit hits the fan. But I lost my trust in him. He didn't break me like last time because I won't let him. I've thrown away a lot of things because I don't want the constant reminder. I'm moving on with my life, making my life better, for me.

Trying to go back to school, my sobriety, making stronger friendships, being happier. I'm putting in the work for myself. And I'm going to come up out of this hole, I know I will. I hope he lets the light in his tunnel stay on. I truly do, but you can't help someone who doesn't want it.

Plus, if it's just "for now" then he wouldn't have deleted me from his life, but whatever. Still slightly bitter. If he really "needed me" then why did he push me away? I never needed him, but fuck, I loved him so much I did everything.

I'm still struggling with the feelings of "not enough" and "unwanted". Those root back deeper then him. And I have to remember that, it's not him those feelings come from. It's other shit I'm working on.

Getting over a relationship sober, when you have addiction issues, is extremely difficult. And to all those fighting, we got this. Let the light in the tunnel guide us the way out.