Bottle Of Emotions

OMG 

HI 

HELLO

It's been awhile again. I really gotta figure out a schedule for this. Not only so it's not so random, but so on weeks where I don't have much to say, I can at least talk about a topic, and not be all over the place talking about a million things a minute. 

I want to talk about so much, but I don't know where to start, and I don't want this to be a million miles long. That didn't make sense. 

I think I'm in a mixed episode right now, which is interesting. Because my mind is going like 10000000000 mph high and just all over the place, but emotionally I feel like dying in a way. I am typing relatively fast, but my body feels heavy. 

I do contribute the mania to the monster energy I had today for work. Usually it helps focus me so I get things done, and I'm not lazy at work. But there are the days where it throws me so high I can't focus and I'm super distracted. Which is hard when I have a to-do list, and I can't get things done because I'm busy switching between 3-6 tasks at once. Not to mention I probably annoy my coworkers by talking so fucking much. Like and then I try and apologize but then I go into an other tailspin. Like I physically can't stop talking. Even when I'm really trying too.

My low I contribute to my relationship, or lack there of. It's a long story I'm not getting into, but as long as I don't think about it, I'm fine. Except it's like there's a cloud over me that just rains. And I'm like just sad, numb. 

I've learned that anger and irritability are symptoms of mania. Which makes sense, because they're very intense emotions. 

I've had alot of hand shaking anxiety today as well. Not really sure what that's about. And the anxiety nausea. It's all an interesting mix. As my boyfriend would say "You're a bottle of emotions"

I can attest to that. It's hard to focus currently. I'm really fidgety and I keep back spacing and retyping because my fingers aren't as fast as my mind . I tidyed up my room which should've calmed me down. My dad knows I'm going to a different college (hopefully). The washing machine's fixed. I ate today and throughout the day. And yet I am a ball of emotional energy. 

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And just like that the mania crashed, and the low took over. And I know the trigger. I accidentally hit the wrong thing on snapchat, and saw the map, and someone one there, that refuses to talk to me or us, but complain about his life. I really wanted to make it work, but like really. It's fucking me up inside. And I'm feeling all these fucking emotions I don't want to fucking feel. And it's times like these that my own fucking sobriety needs to come full force. 

I've identified what's triggered me, and I've identified how it's making me feel. Now I just need to do something about it that isn't harming myself. Well, music and writing are here for me. So that's what I'm gonna do.

 I'm so livid towards the fucking situation, and most people wouldn't have stayed as long as I have, but I keep fucking lying to myself that it's gonna get better. The good times outweighed the bad. When it all comes down to, if you can't fucking handle being in a relationship and balancing life, don't fucking drag the other person through your hell.  And don't get fucking upset when they start to go off and do their own shit, and hang out with people who give a fucking shit if they'er alive or not. And who actually ask how their day was. And who doesn't bitch 24/7. And who sees the fucking rainbow in the storm. And who owns up to their shit without excuses. 

Shocker, someone you claim to "love" wants to actually feel it from you. Crazy. 

I don't think we're going to come back from this. Because I've looked at both situations, that's all I've been fucking doing. I've owned up to my fucking shit. All I do is apologize but what the fuck am I even saying sorry for? I'm sorry for fucking loving you and wanting us to have a fucking future? Wanting to do everything in my power to fight for us, when you're just like "My days have sucked lately" Blablabla. I got a fucking and I quote "Sorry. (insert excuses here)" To me BEGGING for us to stay together. WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING DO ANYTHING WRONG. 

Love makes you do stupid shit. Like stick around someone who doesn't give a damn about you because "Things will get better" Or "I want to end it in person". I'm not blind, I know I'm being so fucking dumb for staying and believing it will get better. But you know what, I'm working on myself in the fucking process. I'm getting my fucking life together, for me. And you know maybe I'm too nice, I want to know how he REALLY feels before I just tell him fuck you bye. Because I want to know if he actually loves me, because you don't destroy the people you fucking love. I want that closure. I need that, I deserve that. And if January repeats, this time it's not on me. And I'm all for looking at all sides and taking blame where it's needed. But this isn't my fucking issue. I've done all I can do. It's literally easier to not fucking talk to him and that's sad. So instead of wasting time I'm working on me, and I'm just doing what I need to fucking do. If he wants to fucking get off whatever boat of tears hes in fine. But he won't get me back without a fight. He's gotta fucking prove it.
Because I meant forever. I meant my future. I meant all the shit I ever fucking said. 

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Okay, that sorta made me feel better. I'm less like livid. Now I'm just chillen listening to music. 

Deep breath in 

Deep breath out

It's gonna be okay